Top 10 Questions About Sex - And Answers

What are people really thinking about sex? When they can ask sex questions and get answers with anonymity, what do they really want to know?

Taking the sexual pulse of any society is near impossible. How can we distinguish media hype from actual experience when so few people talk openly and honestly about their sex lives, and even fewer people in power want to hear about it?

I am pleasantly surprised at the breadth of topics most people are interested in. From anatomy to technique, and from safer sex to sexual pleasure, considered as a whole, these top ten questions give me plenty of hope for the state of sexual inquiries.

10. Question: Is Watching Porn Okay?

"My boyfriend really likes to watch porn. I wouldn’t say he’s addicted or anything, and he wants us to watch together, but I’m not into it. We have a good sex life otherwise, and I want to figure out a way to make this okay, but some of my friends say that it’s not normal to watch porn when you’ve got a girlfriend, and even if it is, I don’t know how I can get into it."

Answer:

This is a very common question and concern. Let’s start by dispelling a major porn myth; there is absolutely nothing “unhealthy” or abnormal with watching porn in and of itself. As long as we’re talking about legal adult movies, and as long as everyone who is watching is consenting, there is nothing inherent in pornography that makes it bad. That doesn’t mean that people do use porn in unhealthy ways, watching too much of it or becoming obsessive about it. But people do this with drugs, work, even sports, and we don’t consider those things “evil” (well, some of us do I guess).

Sex therapist Marty Klein says that no one in a healthy sexual relationship would choose porn over sex with their partner. Notice the qualification of “healthy”. It doesn’t sound like this is happening in your relationship, but it’s still worth pointing out that if you feel like you’re being passed over for porn, there’s definitely a problem (although it may be more a problem with the relationship than the porn).

All that said, the way that you and your boyfriend each feel about porn, and the role that porn has in your relationship may be unsatisfactory to you, and you have a right to expect your needs to be addressed here (exactly as much as he has the right to have his needs addressed).

The first thing I want to suggest is that you talk to him about it. Without being judgmental, it would be interesting to know what he likes about porn. Is it the fantasy? Are there things he sees that he wants the two of you to try? Is it boredom or habit?

I also think you should take some time to think about your feelings around porn. Is it something you are interested in at all? If so there are some key things to know about picking movies that might help you out. If you are not interested in making porn a part of your sexual relationship, are you okay with your boyfriend still watching it sometimes? If it feels absolutely wrong to you, can you explain these reasons to him?

Sexuality is so complicated and it goes so deep, that it is unlikely we will ever share all our partners’ sexual interests. To some extent relationship is about compromise, and this may be a time when one or both of you will have to meet somewhere in the middle.

9. Question: Are sex toys safe?

“I was shopping online for sex toys, and came across a site that seems very knowledgeable, where they say the only safe kind of sex toy to use is silicone. They claim most sex toys have cancer-causing ingredients. I couldn’t help but notice that your site recommends stores that carry these sex toys. Are there dangers of getting cancer from using sex toys? Why are you recommending stores that carry these products? The whole thing definitely has me turned off sex toys for a while.”

Answer:

The turn off is understandable. Sex toys, while a lot of fun are by no means necessary to having a good (or great) sex life. But if you like them, hopefully the turn off will pass, and maybe some information on what we know, and don't know, about the safety of sex toys will help.

Unfortunately there is very little scientific data on the safety of sex toys, and I have come across websites that, in my opinion, make too many generalizations about the potential danger of sex toys (sometimes for reasons that seem a little self-serving). For example, there is simply no data that can confirm that “most sex toys have cancer-causing ingredients”. Also, it is untrue to say that silicone is the only material that is “safe” to use. It’s possible that ten years from now we’ll discover something in the manufacturing of silicone that poses a health risk. Scientists are constantly learning more about how the chemicals we come in contact with impact our health and the best we can do is keep up to date on what the research can tell us. The bad news is that scientists often leave sex out of their research, with the obvious exception of sexually transmitted disease research. As such finding information on the safety of sex toys can be difficult. Here are a few things to consider…

The vast majority of sex toy manufacturers do not disclose what they put in their toys. This “mystery material” may pose health risks, but we have no way of knowing for sure. Sex toys are not approved, tested, or regulated by the FDA. They are sold as novelty items, not medical devices.

We do know that many soft rubber toys are made using phthalates , which have been linked to several environmental and individual health issues, in a variety of other consumer products. The most common sex toys that are made with phthalates are called jelly rubber but many other kinds of soft rubber toys also contain phthalates.

We also know that manufacturers often add an artificial scent (to mask the smell of phthalate off gassing), and these scents, along with the dyes they use, and the material itself, could be something people have allergic reactions to.

So where does that leave us? As with any other safer sex issue the important thing is for you to understand and assess their own risk , which you can only do by getting as much information as you can, and making a thoughtful decision, preferably not in the heat of the moment.

There is no doubt that higher quality, hypoallergenic, materials, such as silicone, and elastomers, are the better choice. But they are expensive and out of reach for many of us. Using a latex condom on an inexpensive toy will reduce the risk of reacting to it, but may not eliminate risk entirely.

8. Question: Where is my G Spot?

"I have a very simple question: Does the G-Spot exist? I’ve looked everywhere, but still can’t find mine! Help!!"

Answer:

You’d think this would be a simple question, but it isn’t. The reason I can’t tell you whether the G Spot exists or not requires an explanation all its own.

The first thing you should know is that we don’t know that much about sexual anatomy.

Compared with the kinds of detail knowledge we have already developed on things like our circulatory system, our cardiovascular system, and our nervous system, our knowledge of sexual anatomy and response is miniscule.

People are still debating the physical structures of internal genitalia. So, for example, medical students are often taught that the clitoris is a very small structure that is mostly near the surface of the skin, and only extends in the body a little. But others suggest that its structure is of significant size and it extends much further into the body than previously thought.

The next problem with answering the G-Spot question is that it is a name for a body part that the medical establishment has not yet taken on. So you can’t go to any medical textbook and see a picture of something called the gspot. This doesn’t mean that it isn’t there; it just means that it hasn’t been legitimized in the medical literature, yet.

There are many other reasons for the confusion, but let me give you a more practical answer to your question.

Whether scientists ever agree, and whether it makes it into a medical textbook, many women do report that stimulating a particular spot, which is most easily reached inside the vagina, is very pleasurable. Here’s a link to help you find this area usually called the g-spot.

But it is very likely that even if everyone agrees eventually that there is a g-spot, many women won’t find it pleasurable to have their G spot stimulated. The fact is that it is probably like any other part of the body in that some people will become aroused by having it stimulated, and others won’t.

Some people go wild when you nibble on their ears. Others will find that completely annoying and a sexual turn-off. The Gspot is probably just like that.

If you follow the instructions on finding your g spot , it’s a good way to start exploring, but if you can’t “find it” that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means you’re sexual response is unique, which is something I hope all experts would agree on.

7. Question: Can Men Have Multiple Orgasms?

"I’ve heard that men can have multiple orgasms but don’t really understand how this could work. Once I come there’s nothing I can do but wait until I get hard again. Is this an urban legend, or is it just something some guys can do but others can’t?"

Answer:

It’s definitely not an urban legend; although male multiple orgasms do sometimes take on something of a mythic quality (take, for example, Sting).

The good news is that men can, do, and have had multiple orgasms for thousands of years. Taoist teachings on sexuality that go back farther than that give explicit instruction for men on how they can experience multiple orgasms. Western sex researchers have also studied this experience in men and found clear physiological evidence that it happens. Also, it seems that many men can learn to have multiple orgasms.

The sort-of bad news? Learning to have multiple orgasms takes a fair bit of time and practice. Also, multiple orgasms means that you are having a series of non-ejaculatory orgasms, so while they aren’t necessarily better or worse, they are definitely different than the kind of orgasms you may be used to experiencing.

The more good news? Learning to have multiple orgasms means you will also be learning to control ejaculation, and you will learn a lot about your own sexual response, which is great news regardless of the final outcome.

6. Question: Why Does Sex Hurt?

This isn’t a very nice thing to talk about, but having sex hurts. I’m not sure when it started, but pretty much every time I have sex I feel pain during it, and most of the time it hurts for a while afterwards. Is it normal to feel pain during sex? Is there anything I can do?

Answer:

People experience pain during sex for many reasons. Figuring out why people feel pain during sex can actually be very complicated to answer for a number of reasons:

• Definitions of what is pain versus what’s discomfort differ for people, and for researchers
• Definitions of sex differ. When most people say “sex” they mean intercourse. For some people even sexual touching can cause pain, where for others it is only penetration that causes pain
• Because we aren’t encouraged to speak openly about sex, it is likely that many people suffer in silence, so we may not know as much about sexual pain as we do about, for example, chronic back pain, or tooth pain.

The most important thing to know is that sex doesn’t have to hurt. Making sex comfortable may require creativity and patience, but most people can find a way to enjoy sex without pain.

When sex hurts it is often the result of a combination of factors, including physical and psychological ones. Something may happen in your body that hurts during sex, and then in the future you may anticipate the pain, which can amplify the experience next time.

Figuring out why sex is painful, and what to do about it, is a bit like solving a mystery (albeit a painful mystery, and one where you don’t get to have sex). You’ll want to consider both the physical and psychological causes of pain during sex.

5. Question: What's the Deal with Penis Size?

What’s the deal with penis size? Guys seem obsessed with it, I know some women friends who are definite size queens, but here’s my problem. I’ve been with guys of a lot of different sizes, but there doesn’t seem an obvious link for me between size and pleasure. I have this feeling that there’s probably a right size out there for me, and when I find it that’s the man I should marry (or at least test drive!) Do you think that there’s such a thing as your genital soul mate?

Answer:

There are many questions in this one. Does penis size matter? Do we actually fit together? And what makes a good lover?

The short answer to the question about size is kind of like that famous presidential quote: it matters to some of the people, some of the time... There has been surprisingly little research in this area, but you’ll find information on that research through the link below.

For the most part people’s size interests take a back seat to other considerations. Aside from your friends who are size queens, the same person might be happy driving a Toyota Tercel one day, and an SUV the next. And as folks on the discussion board are pointing out, small can sometimes be better, depending one what you want to do with it.

4. Question: Is oral sex risky?

I’ve never used protection for oral sex, but I’m newly single and worried about disease in a big way. I’ve heard about dental dams, but can’t imagine anyone actually uses them. What are the real risks?

Answer:

The problem with that idea of “real risks” is that it sounds like there’s a final answer out there, which there isn’t. What your risks are depend on so many factors, not least of which is do either you or your partner currently have an STD (which is information you may not have before having sex).

Some people say that if you’re having casual sex you should act as if everyone you’re sleeping with has an STD. This isn’t meant to be scary, or to suggest that you should necessarily avoid having casual sex, instead the idea is that if you treat everyone as if they have an STD you won’t have to constantly worry if they do or they don’t and change your behavior from one situation to the next. This also seems like a good time to remind you that there is basically no kind of hot, raunchy, wild sex that you can’t make safer by using condoms or other barriers.

It’s hard for researchers to determine how risky oral sex is, since most people who engage in oral sex also engage in other sexual behaviors, making it impossible to know the way that an STD was transmitted.

That said, there are a variety of STDs that can be transmitted during oral sex (including herpes and HPV) and it’s probably worth learning more about the STD risks of oral sex so you can decide what level of protection you’re going to use. assessing your risk and then making informed choices about the risks you are willing to take.

3. Question: Why does penis size matter?

I can’t figure this one out. I used to worry about the size of my penis a lot more than I do now, but I know lots of younger guys who are obsessed with the size of their dicks. My sex life has been not too shabby, and everything works, well most of the time, but it still seems to be a big deal (pardon the pun!) Is there are medical reason for penis size to matter? Is it something I’m missing?

Answer:

It doesn’t sound like you’re missing anything, and you should just move along and ignore this unfortunate social phenomenon which has been documented to exist not only across age ranges, but in a wide variety of different cultures around the world.

There is no medical reason for penis size to matter. And the fact is that men and women seem to differ on the question does penis size matter.

One of my big problems with the whole question is that it tries to homogenize us into one or two categories, when sexual tastes are far more complicated than that. The importance of penis size also seems tied to the idea that bigger must be better. One of the problems with this line of thinking is that we forget that bigger is comparative, and men are very bad at making accurate comparisons about penis size, in fact few men have an accurate idea of what is average penis size. And for that matter, medical researchers aren’t all that sure about average penis size either.

2. Question: Can You Alter the Taste of Your Vagina?

I suspect I might taste bad down below, although my boyfriend assures me otherwise.

I do practice good personal hygiene, but I consume quite a bit of garlic and tomatoes, and lots of citrus fruits. Could this be affecting how I taste?

Answer:

My first question is why do you suspect you taste bad “down below”. Actually my first question should be, what exactly do you mean by down below? I’m going to assume you’re talking about your vagina, but down below is vague enough that it could mean any of the delicious nether regions that we all too often denigrate to a single euphemism.

I ask why, because I’m aware that the issue of how a woman’s vagina, and more precisely her vaginal fluids, smell and taste is one of those topics that causes many people anxiety.

Because most women are raised with pretty negative messages about their bodies in general, and their genitals in particular they also often find themselves worried about how “acceptable” they’ll be, and prone to feeling self-conscious.

Add to this the fact that there is much mystery and precious little education for young men about women’s bodies, most men pick up more than a few negative stereotypes about the taste and smell of a woman’s vagina (it’s “dirty”, it tastes like fish, etc…)

The good news is that most adults who enjoy a healthy sex life, and for whom part of that sex life is the, hopefully frequent, experience of going down on a woman, end up loving the taste and smell of their female partners. After all the smell and taste is one of arousal, desire…sex really. So for a lot of people it becomes a turn on, not a turn off.

Every woman has a slightly different taste, and it is dependent on many things, including natural secretions, arousal fluid, sweat, diet, and certainly whether or not you have any sort of bacterial or yeast infections.

In terms of what you can do if you want to experiment with changing the taste of your own vaginal fluids, there does seem to be a lot of non-scientific agreement that diet can have an impact. That said, eating a lot of garlic (particularly raw garlic) will affect the way you taste.

If you’re interested in experimenting with your taste I’ve heard and read about many things having an impact: raw garlic, multivitamins, asparagus, pineapple.

1. Question: How do I find my PC Muscle?

Answer:

Many people begin doing kegel exercises, which are exercises designed to strengthen the pubococcygeus muscles (PC muscles), but are squeezing the wrong muscle. It’s important to make sure you are exercising the correct muscle.

Here are two tips to finding your PC muscle:

1. The easiest way to find your PC muscle is to stop the flow of urine while you are peeing. As you are peeing, intentionally stop the flow of urine. Do this several times until you can clearly feel the muscle you are using to stop the flow. This muscle is your PC muscle.
2. You can also check you’ve got the right muscle by inserting a finger (for women in the vagina, for men in the anus) and squeezing your PC muscle. If you feel pressure around your finger, you’re using the right muscle.